Me = With a Masquerade Mask of an Egoist

I...don't think I've ever felt so led on, not even in the relationship mushy kind of way, but in the friendship kind of way. Apparently, I've had a "friend" who's been hating me for the past 2 years and blames me for our friend's death. She's been hating me ever since our friend moved to Paris, France. (Yeah I~ know...PARIS, seriously......JEALOUX!!!!!!!! (jealous in French for all you non-french speaking people, but...I don't really speak it either...I'm currently learning it at school! ^^'') But yeah...(that was such a poor attempt to cover up my anger-depression-confusion) My brain's just frazzled right now and very confused. If she had just SAID SOMETHING, then I would've been fine with it and left her alone. Jeebeeies.....Communication seems to be a-lacking in this world. Sigh....

I just feel very hurt... >.<

I think I've annoyed my other friend up to the point where it's like a silent heavy grudge stuck at the throat. Something's telling me to back off and not tell him about this.... All I have to do is compose myself and pull myself together and tell myself that time will tell. I was surprised though...after she told me that and after typing the first paragraph.. I laughed. I actually laughed because I found it funny that everyone who I think is close is going to desert me. I think I've read that feeling at least 20 or 30 times over the Internet, but...I think that it's going to happen to everyone. Better to block everyone out right? I thought so...and I'm going to admit that I'm thinking about that option again....Bothering people is one thing...but..being left...it's another thing...but it feels conjoined? I'm not exactly sure how to explain it. Maybe I'll come up with something better later on. Anyway...I have to remind myself:
> borrow keys
> get another garage opener that ACTUALLY frigging works because I'm tired of picking at broken ones.....and trying to be optimistic that it's only a battery problem....ugh...

Something's tugging at me. Someone's going to get hurt....It feels silly to have this kind of feeling....but...it won't go away......Out of everyone though, I hope it's me....I don't know what going to happen, or how, or why, but I feel like I'm going to be involved and I feel like someone's going to get hurt....I'm not sure how this feeling came about..buuut...it just seems very nagging.

I've come to appreciate that melancholy is a pretty word. It is...better than emo. =.= MUCH, MUCH better than emo. MELANCHOLY > EMO anyday. PFT

I think that I'm going to stop being so sarcastic all the time. It seems to get on my friend's nerves...Honestly though, I only resort to sarcasm because something bothers me and I don't want to freak. Freaking out is a no-no, and crying over it is an EVEN BIGGER NO-NO. I swear...if there was a deformity for tearducts to NOT exist, I'd want to find out how to get it. It bothers me. Why can't I be better? Why can't I do better? I'm starting to regret the decision to drop that wall that I put up. So many people would've had much simplier lives if they didn't know me. I bring so much drama. =.= Maybe...I should just shut up. I hate having it and I hate having to deal with it. It just makes me so frustrated knowing that I have more "blips" than other people and having people know that creates such pity....I hate it...I just hate it. I want to curl up and hide somewhere and cry myself dry so that I don't cry anymore. I sound like such a child ......................................................................................................................I'm such a child. It's so disgusting. Why...can't I be more grown-up?

This...post is random, long and just weird .____.'' But I suppose it does correspond with how I'm feeling. All over the frigging place....gahh ;-; Kind of tired of this....might as well not try anymore....so much easier to step back and just watch things like before...simply there and observing silently...sigh. Honestly I don't think about karma a lot, but I wonder if it was real...what the heck I did to be so confused all the time.