This year is almost over.....and there is just so much to be thankful for and be certain to improve upon that I just draw such a big blank. Wait, okay maybe not a blank for there's just this sound wave. Yes! There's a sound wave! It's not blank, but there is just a jumble of noise there. I know it is there, but I can't quite figure out bits and pieces of it. Either because I am trying to dissect these thoughts at just stupidly early hours or because I am even procrastinating on thinking upon these subject. Or, you know, it could be both.
I know that I should be less aggressive in basketball from now on because I know that it makes people angry when I play defense because I get huffy and impatient. So...there's one.
I need to really learn how to drive, gosh darns it.
I also need to cuss less. I know I already have cut down on it a lot, but even more would be more ideal.
I need to learn to be patient. (Just to say it officially.)
I need to stop thinking so much.
I need to stay away from stupid college mistakes.
I need to get a job.
I need to stop being so lazy so often.
I need to stop procrastinating.
I need to clean my own things more often.
I need to stop buying so many mini presents and just save money for the major ones.
I need to try to figure out how to open an online business.
I need to go to Disneyland for the first time. Oh pleeease, pretty pleeease let that happen. That would be so fun and I don't give a wiggly piggy tail how old I am and if I'm too old to go and be this excited. I want to go!
I need to please get that book that I've always wanted written by my favorite prose writer. Heart!
I need to watch at least 5 more classic Disney movies.
I need to sell my old clothes.
I need to be able to give back better. I feel so horrible that all I do is listen and listen. I want to be able to give back to people and really show them just how much they mean to me. Pleeeeeease.
I need to be able to be stronger mentally.
I need to stop crying over every little personal thing because I know personal issues are tough, but please. I don't need to cry every gosh darn time. So, I'll work on that.
I need to be able to be there for people more. I have to do it, at least have the strength for that.
I need to be able to have more confidence. I have to, for myself and for the people who believe in me.
I need to GET FACTS STRAIGHT BECAUSE I JUMBLE IT UP A LOT OF THE TIME AND IT PISSES ME OFF.
I need to not be so violent because apparently it scares the bamboozles out of people, even though it IS kind of amusing to freak them out....okay maybe not AS violent. I'll just attempt to tone it down.
And I absolutely promise that I will save as much as I can for my dreams to travel to Europe. That would be nice. If not Europe, Taiwan please. I haven't even actually seen the countryside yet. Fae Mao hasn't even been there, so we can go play there.
Thursday, December 30, 2010
Me = Imagination Stage Continued
Sooooo I promised that I would write a longer mini story next time. And I did see Ryan's girlfriend working at Ten Ren's. That part is true. The other parts are just made up because I want to one up him. I apologize for my competitive personality.
-------------------------------
She strolled in wearing a black faux leather jacket from Forever 21 spotted with raindrops and an indifferent expression on her face. Running late and it might take awhile. She was smart enough not to ask just how long it would take for her friend to arrive to come pick her up, but it didn’t matter all that much. Not amused, she sat herself at the table closest to her and fished out her iPod out of her bag. After she looked up from her iPod, there were already two things upon the table. A menu and the specials menu decorated in the seasonal red and greens. Now amused, she glanced around.
Quick service. Wow.
She opened the menu and scanned through the drinks selecting her usual preference.
Asian places really are open on major holidays. Wow.
“Hello Miss, can I take your order?” She looked up from the list of laminated choices.
GOOD GOD. SHE WORKS HERE?! WOW.
Microseconds of realization suddenly trickled into reality.
“A passion fruit green tea with reduced sugar.” You lucky bitch.
Time ticked by as she gazed over at the door with slight interest. The waitress returned with her drink wearing a sweet smile on a cute face. If SHE was here, then HE would be here soon, considering that it was almost time to end shifts. The front door bell rang as a signal of a new customer and a chorus of 歡迎s. Speak of the devil.
“Hey honey!” She glanced up to a grinning widely tanned face with blue green eyes. A couple seconds later, she found herself locking eyes with just that face. His eyes widened and hers blinked innocently. He gave her a cocky smirk and then the situation finally was upon her. He was here to pick up his obviously curvier, bigger chested, working girlfriend in front of his ex-interest slash ex-best-friend. She narrowed her eyes slightly, but in the end she felt her left eye twitch just the slightly bit. He strolled up next to the counter and leaned over, just in time for her to look away and mentally smack herself.
Don’t stare. It’s rude. What the hell. You already did, you nosy loser. Might as well enjoy the rest of the show.
They did an absolutely adooooorable Eskimo kiss, which left him promptly alone and with her scurrying off and untying her apron in the process. He turned around and threw her a polite smile and a little wave, one of those waves that involved a flicking of your wrist because you want to act cool. A slight frown crawled across her face. Damn lucky girl, had she actually thought that he was immature and a coward when they were little?
Another little ring from the door came and her eyes grew bright from the next customer walking in. Perfect timing. A shadow of a smirk flashed for the quickest moment and was replaced by an excited grin.
“哥哥!” She bounded up to him and gave him a big hug, as he gave her a quick peck on her head. “Don’t you look spiffy today?” Which is definite plus to the perfection. Dress shirt and dress pants. Nice. She secretly congratulated herself on her previous choice of outfit and boots and the way they would clack on the flooring when she walked out with this older, friendly guy. But HE didn’t have to know that now did he?
“Hey we’re going to be late to Tony’s, so let’s go. Wanna go get your drink?” She happily nodded and went back to the table to pick up her passion fruit green tea and left a five dollar bill on the table as she looked up and nodded at him staring, one of those nods that involved a quick raising of your eyebrow because you want to act cool.
“See ya, Ryan.” Clack. Clack. Clack. Ring.
-------------------------------
She strolled in wearing a black faux leather jacket from Forever 21 spotted with raindrops and an indifferent expression on her face. Running late and it might take awhile. She was smart enough not to ask just how long it would take for her friend to arrive to come pick her up, but it didn’t matter all that much. Not amused, she sat herself at the table closest to her and fished out her iPod out of her bag. After she looked up from her iPod, there were already two things upon the table. A menu and the specials menu decorated in the seasonal red and greens. Now amused, she glanced around.
Quick service. Wow.
She opened the menu and scanned through the drinks selecting her usual preference.
Asian places really are open on major holidays. Wow.
“Hello Miss, can I take your order?” She looked up from the list of laminated choices.
GOOD GOD. SHE WORKS HERE?! WOW.
Microseconds of realization suddenly trickled into reality.
“A passion fruit green tea with reduced sugar.” You lucky bitch.
Time ticked by as she gazed over at the door with slight interest. The waitress returned with her drink wearing a sweet smile on a cute face. If SHE was here, then HE would be here soon, considering that it was almost time to end shifts. The front door bell rang as a signal of a new customer and a chorus of 歡迎s. Speak of the devil.
“Hey honey!” She glanced up to a grinning widely tanned face with blue green eyes. A couple seconds later, she found herself locking eyes with just that face. His eyes widened and hers blinked innocently. He gave her a cocky smirk and then the situation finally was upon her. He was here to pick up his obviously curvier, bigger chested, working girlfriend in front of his ex-interest slash ex-best-friend. She narrowed her eyes slightly, but in the end she felt her left eye twitch just the slightly bit. He strolled up next to the counter and leaned over, just in time for her to look away and mentally smack herself.
Don’t stare. It’s rude. What the hell. You already did, you nosy loser. Might as well enjoy the rest of the show.
They did an absolutely adooooorable Eskimo kiss, which left him promptly alone and with her scurrying off and untying her apron in the process. He turned around and threw her a polite smile and a little wave, one of those waves that involved a flicking of your wrist because you want to act cool. A slight frown crawled across her face. Damn lucky girl, had she actually thought that he was immature and a coward when they were little?
Another little ring from the door came and her eyes grew bright from the next customer walking in. Perfect timing. A shadow of a smirk flashed for the quickest moment and was replaced by an excited grin.
“哥哥!” She bounded up to him and gave him a big hug, as he gave her a quick peck on her head. “Don’t you look spiffy today?” Which is definite plus to the perfection. Dress shirt and dress pants. Nice. She secretly congratulated herself on her previous choice of outfit and boots and the way they would clack on the flooring when she walked out with this older, friendly guy. But HE didn’t have to know that now did he?
“Hey we’re going to be late to Tony’s, so let’s go. Wanna go get your drink?” She happily nodded and went back to the table to pick up her passion fruit green tea and left a five dollar bill on the table as she looked up and nodded at him staring, one of those nods that involved a quick raising of your eyebrow because you want to act cool.
“See ya, Ryan.” Clack. Clack. Clack. Ring.
Tuesday, December 28, 2010
Me = Lame Stamp
So Fae Mao and I are trying this writing thing and here it goes!
----------------------------------
I was skating on the ice slowly with Fae Mao. Somehow, even after three times of attempting to ice skate, my feet and ice are still hesitant vague acquaintances. So despite my obvious failing of the blooming friendship between me and the ice rink, he skated over to find myself gripping Fae Mao’s hand like a kid with a security blanket. (A VERY TRUSTING SECURITY BLANKET)
ANYWAY, so the attempting to be acquainted to skating on the ice wasn’t going very well after Fae Mao offered to have him help me continue on with the ice skating because they started to take me along too quickly and I started to squeal. Yes squeal…I didn’t even know I had it in me to make such a sound that was very much related to a pig. Can you tell that I’m proud of the following moment? Apparently after the squealing, we round the end of the rink and then Fae Mao lets go of my hand, which throws me off balance and then apparently makes me want to react by leaning backwards. So apparently the boy tried to catch me and I fell on him. Him on his back and me with very burning ear tips. The moment was over as quickly as it came with just five simple words.
“You kinda suck at this.”
Such a romantic right? Yeah, you know what sucks even more? Freakin’ A. It’s blatantly obvious that I’m a sucker for two damn things. (YEAH I SAID IT! YEAH IT’S CORNY! YEAH I’M LAME! SO WHAT?!)
----------------------------------
I was skating on the ice slowly with Fae Mao. Somehow, even after three times of attempting to ice skate, my feet and ice are still hesitant vague acquaintances. So despite my obvious failing of the blooming friendship between me and the ice rink, he skated over to find myself gripping Fae Mao’s hand like a kid with a security blanket. (A VERY TRUSTING SECURITY BLANKET)
ANYWAY, so the attempting to be acquainted to skating on the ice wasn’t going very well after Fae Mao offered to have him help me continue on with the ice skating because they started to take me along too quickly and I started to squeal. Yes squeal…I didn’t even know I had it in me to make such a sound that was very much related to a pig. Can you tell that I’m proud of the following moment? Apparently after the squealing, we round the end of the rink and then Fae Mao lets go of my hand, which throws me off balance and then apparently makes me want to react by leaning backwards. So apparently the boy tried to catch me and I fell on him. Him on his back and me with very burning ear tips. The moment was over as quickly as it came with just five simple words.
“You kinda suck at this.”
Such a romantic right? Yeah, you know what sucks even more? Freakin’ A. It’s blatantly obvious that I’m a sucker for two damn things. (YEAH I SAID IT! YEAH IT’S CORNY! YEAH I’M LAME! SO WHAT?!)
Monday, December 27, 2010
Sunday, December 19, 2010
Me = Edumacation
I really like learning stuff that I can review and reflect upon. It's really nice.
I think that I've gotten over most of my fear of talking in front of people. Hrm. Kind of. Getting there. =)
I think that I've gotten over most of my fear of talking in front of people. Hrm. Kind of. Getting there. =)
Saturday, December 18, 2010
Me = Winter Break...er? xD
Yeah..so that sounded weird, but it's okay! xD Soooo:
- winter break started
- Burlesque is a good movie. Singing is just stunningly fantastical and plot is whatever.
- I got a present for coffee friend. So...4 more to do.
- Fae Mao is giving me a painting. =3 Yay! So happy.
- I need to hurry up the pace for the Christmas presents that are homemade.
- I have only had about 3 hours of sleep, but I am okay!
- I updated my iPod with about a dozen new songs.
- Gym this coming Monday. =)
- Volunteer training this Sunday.
- Ninja volunteer training today.
- Food truck good is greeeeeat. GOING AGAIN FER SURE.
- still sneaking off to work, but almost got my butt cheeks caught while I was going
- White Elephant Christmas party on the 23rd..
- Contemplating on the Christmas party at family friend's house that my dad and little sister are going....little sis wants me to go, but >.>'' I honestly don't feel like going.
So yes! Quick update and off to work I go and training, and class because you know going to class with little sleep in my system is a magnificent idea. Hm, my sarcasm is bitter today, but I'm not in a bad mood. o-o'' At least..I don't think I am.
- winter break started
- Burlesque is a good movie. Singing is just stunningly fantastical and plot is whatever.
- I got a present for coffee friend. So...4 more to do.
- Fae Mao is giving me a painting. =3 Yay! So happy.
- I need to hurry up the pace for the Christmas presents that are homemade.
- I have only had about 3 hours of sleep, but I am okay!
- I updated my iPod with about a dozen new songs.
- Gym this coming Monday. =)
- Volunteer training this Sunday.
- Ninja volunteer training today.
- Food truck good is greeeeeat. GOING AGAIN FER SURE.
- still sneaking off to work, but almost got my butt cheeks caught while I was going
- White Elephant Christmas party on the 23rd..
- Contemplating on the Christmas party at family friend's house that my dad and little sister are going....little sis wants me to go, but >.>'' I honestly don't feel like going.
So yes! Quick update and off to work I go and training, and class because you know going to class with little sleep in my system is a magnificent idea. Hm, my sarcasm is bitter today, but I'm not in a bad mood. o-o'' At least..I don't think I am.
Thursday, December 16, 2010
Me = Writing to the Dead
Dear Best Friend from Childhood
Yeah...I think..I've been doing better. I've kept our promise of not being alone on this day. I mean..it's only the 2nd year, so obviously it's a little strange to be saying that, but at least I didn't break it. I still have your necklace and when I put it on, it doesn't make me feel sad anymore, so that's a good thing. I think that I've come to figure that..yeah, I'll maybe need a good cry, but this empty feeling I get..it doesn't hurt so bad anymore. It's a little comforting now to be honest and since it's so comforting I think that I can finish today with a little bit more confidence and a little bit more peace. I'll admit that I'm not completely at peace, but I'm trying to. I really am. I snapped a couple times this year, but despite that, I think that I can really, really be able to stand up from it now. I really think that I can do it. I'm taking my baby steps and I'm doing fine. Don't worry. Crying isn't like the ultimate sin anymore. I now think that it's just embarrassing yeah, but it's natural to cry sometimes. I'm slowly coming to peace with that as well. Slowly. =.= But I promise you that I'm getting there.
There are so many people that are helping me stand up from this and from other things that have happened and I promise you that you'll love them. You wouldn't just throw yourself at them, teeth bared and all. xD I miss you and I hope that you're safe and happy where ever you are. I promise you that I'm all right. I promise you that everything is going to be okay. I can make it now. It's just a matter of never giving up and I promise you with all my heart and everything I have, that I am never going to give up.
Miss you and love you
Me
Yeah...I think..I've been doing better. I've kept our promise of not being alone on this day. I mean..it's only the 2nd year, so obviously it's a little strange to be saying that, but at least I didn't break it. I still have your necklace and when I put it on, it doesn't make me feel sad anymore, so that's a good thing. I think that I've come to figure that..yeah, I'll maybe need a good cry, but this empty feeling I get..it doesn't hurt so bad anymore. It's a little comforting now to be honest and since it's so comforting I think that I can finish today with a little bit more confidence and a little bit more peace. I'll admit that I'm not completely at peace, but I'm trying to. I really am. I snapped a couple times this year, but despite that, I think that I can really, really be able to stand up from it now. I really think that I can do it. I'm taking my baby steps and I'm doing fine. Don't worry. Crying isn't like the ultimate sin anymore. I now think that it's just embarrassing yeah, but it's natural to cry sometimes. I'm slowly coming to peace with that as well. Slowly. =.= But I promise you that I'm getting there.
There are so many people that are helping me stand up from this and from other things that have happened and I promise you that you'll love them. You wouldn't just throw yourself at them, teeth bared and all. xD I miss you and I hope that you're safe and happy where ever you are. I promise you that I'm all right. I promise you that everything is going to be okay. I can make it now. It's just a matter of never giving up and I promise you with all my heart and everything I have, that I am never going to give up.
Miss you and love you
Me
Me = Afterschool Thoughts
I find it amusing that I'm reporting every chance I get. So I got a ride home with a friend. Fae Mao is at the ortho. Hope she's all right. I'm still feeling a little strange, but honestly very blank, I feel...very empty. Not in a bad way, just like everything's fine. After a good cry last night and a few hours of sleep, I think that I'm ready to slowly let it go. Of course bit by bit, but I'll get there. =) Now...if you'll excuse me...I have to get ready to go out because apparently a friend needs me to chill and relax. Let's do this.
Me = Before School Thoughts
I guess for time's sake. I'll just quicken up the pace. It's pretty reasonable for mom to be upset at me because it's just adding on from yesterday. So I'll just suck it up and get picked up and not complain when mom picks me up after school. Hrm. That was extremely bratty of me. Sigh. =.= I guess I'm still unhappy, but I'm getting better. At least, I think so or I would like to think so.
Focus. Get through school. Finish homework. Food truck. Go through with the minimum day tomorrow. Get the mini hip hop practice over with tomorrow and then winter break. I can do this. That didn't feel very solid when I was typing it, but I have to keep believing that. It certainly would be helpful.
I think I'm going to take a nap in Art to day. =.= My head is starting to slightly feel dizzy. Not a good start to the day, but there's still time to turn it around. Let's do this.
Focus. Get through school. Finish homework. Food truck. Go through with the minimum day tomorrow. Get the mini hip hop practice over with tomorrow and then winter break. I can do this. That didn't feel very solid when I was typing it, but I have to keep believing that. It certainly would be helpful.
I think I'm going to take a nap in Art to day. =.= My head is starting to slightly feel dizzy. Not a good start to the day, but there's still time to turn it around. Let's do this.
Me = Morning Reminders
Sooo here's a note to self for future references.
DO NOT GET ON THE LAPTOP IN THE MORNING because apparently mother dearest will throw a shit fit and then refuse to drop your sorry butt cheeks at school and then make you walk to school, even if the rain is coming down outside.
Pro #1: Get to walk in the rain. Not a bad thing.
Con #1: Starting off the day with mother dearest throwing said shit fit.
Pro #2: I got to semi-ly sleep yesterday. Yep yep although that has nothing to do with this morning really.
Con #2: I think she was already unhappy from yesterday because I didn't eat the taro cake that she so excitedly bought? >.>'' Apparently, she didn't take into full account that Fae Mao and Olivia didn't really want to eat it, but I can understand why she would be upset I guess.
Pro #3: Foodtruck later today and there's a sushi truck..I am getting said sorry butt cheeks to that truck to eat.
Con #3: School.
-nods- Yes indeed 3 pros and 3 cons. I can count this morning..which means that we are able to go on with the rest of the day, thank god.
P.S. It's good to know people who can drive. -rolls eyes- I'm going back to sleep before I'm getting mentioned twice sorry butt cheeks to school.
DO NOT GET ON THE LAPTOP IN THE MORNING because apparently mother dearest will throw a shit fit and then refuse to drop your sorry butt cheeks at school and then make you walk to school, even if the rain is coming down outside.
Pro #1: Get to walk in the rain. Not a bad thing.
Con #1: Starting off the day with mother dearest throwing said shit fit.
Pro #2: I got to semi-ly sleep yesterday. Yep yep although that has nothing to do with this morning really.
Con #2: I think she was already unhappy from yesterday because I didn't eat the taro cake that she so excitedly bought? >.>'' Apparently, she didn't take into full account that Fae Mao and Olivia didn't really want to eat it, but I can understand why she would be upset I guess.
Pro #3: Foodtruck later today and there's a sushi truck..I am getting said sorry butt cheeks to that truck to eat.
Con #3: School.
-nods- Yes indeed 3 pros and 3 cons. I can count this morning..which means that we are able to go on with the rest of the day, thank god.
P.S. It's good to know people who can drive. -rolls eyes- I'm going back to sleep before I'm getting mentioned twice sorry butt cheeks to school.
101216 R.I.P.
It's slithering under my skin.
It's snapping its jaws at my throat.
It's growling its roar against my ears.
It's breaking my bones between its teeth.
It's stripping away my selflessness.
It's prying open my lips to shove down neon fire.
It's devouring my tainted shame.
It's ripping my grins apart.
It's taken hostages of my loved ones.
It's stabbed gaping holes within my heart.
It's colored my soul with my bleeding tears.
It's screaming for justice and peace.
It's burning the ends of my chromosomes.
It's cracking my limbs mindlessly while I squirm.
It's hid away my loud, genuine laughs.
It's twisting out strands of my hair.
I can't forget you. I can't remember you with sweetness. All I can do is close a door to the nonstop shrieking of my flaring reminiscences, setting my mind's soul to a bitter and cold desert of snow and flesh seeking dreams. Why? Why can't I recall your face with a budding smile and drops of joy falling from my face? Why can't I recollect endless, bubbling streams of blissful memories instead of crashing, beating waterfalls of self-anger?
I miss you.
It's snapping its jaws at my throat.
It's growling its roar against my ears.
It's breaking my bones between its teeth.
It's stripping away my selflessness.
It's prying open my lips to shove down neon fire.
It's devouring my tainted shame.
It's ripping my grins apart.
It's taken hostages of my loved ones.
It's stabbed gaping holes within my heart.
It's colored my soul with my bleeding tears.
It's screaming for justice and peace.
It's burning the ends of my chromosomes.
It's cracking my limbs mindlessly while I squirm.
It's hid away my loud, genuine laughs.
It's twisting out strands of my hair.
I can't forget you. I can't remember you with sweetness. All I can do is close a door to the nonstop shrieking of my flaring reminiscences, setting my mind's soul to a bitter and cold desert of snow and flesh seeking dreams. Why? Why can't I recall your face with a budding smile and drops of joy falling from my face? Why can't I recollect endless, bubbling streams of blissful memories instead of crashing, beating waterfalls of self-anger?
I miss you.
Tuesday, December 14, 2010
Friday, December 10, 2010
Thursday, December 9, 2010
Me = Renamed, Redesigned, Recovery
Watching stars from shadows now is too much of a depressing thought, even if I love to watch stars at night time. In the mountains is just the best! Heart!
I renamed the blog to Strawberry and Mint Memories.
Mint: fertility, virtue, precious moments
Strawberry: you make me happy, a happy household, innocent feelings of love for another
That's what it means! =) It's what I learned after reading Miya Katsura's
SoulxMaka Doujinshi [Kiss]. It's a pretty cute one-shot. So the new title means that I want to have its of minty memories while surrounding myself with people who make me happy. Yay! =D
On my road to recovery! I can do this! I promise you!
I renamed the blog to Strawberry and Mint Memories.
Mint: fertility, virtue, precious moments
Strawberry: you make me happy, a happy household, innocent feelings of love for another
That's what it means! =) It's what I learned after reading Miya Katsura's
SoulxMaka Doujinshi [Kiss]. It's a pretty cute one-shot. So the new title means that I want to have its of minty memories while surrounding myself with people who make me happy. Yay! =D
On my road to recovery! I can do this! I promise you!
Monday, December 6, 2010
Me = Finds That Rain is the Cherry On Top =)
It started to rain today. Winter is here! Smiley face.
Ge Ge's surprise thing went memorable. A few blunders here and there, but we patched it up and it wrapped together nicely in the end. He's very happy (he said so himself), so I'm happy that he is. Birthdays are interesting to me, perhaps it's because I despise my own, but I treasure others'. I guess it's something that I don't have? So I treasure it? I'm not sure. Shrugs.
How interesting...he doesn't want presents and I don't want presents either, but for some reason...I want to give him one...is it like that? It was like that for Fae Mao. Hrm. I've gotten attached again. Is this good?
Dependent stability. I have a case of it. It disgusts me so....why can't I be independent. Le sigh. Le sigh indeed.
I want to be better. I want to be stronger. I just...I want someone there, and I want to be able to be there for that someone. Why...can't I just be better? Please...make me stronger and better. Being a child...it's not enough...Youth? Seeing grey areas? I want to be smarter....I want to be able to see all the options before I decide on something...
But besides all these swirling wishes...today was a good day...Ge Ge is happy.
Ge Ge's surprise thing went memorable. A few blunders here and there, but we patched it up and it wrapped together nicely in the end. He's very happy (he said so himself), so I'm happy that he is. Birthdays are interesting to me, perhaps it's because I despise my own, but I treasure others'. I guess it's something that I don't have? So I treasure it? I'm not sure. Shrugs.
How interesting...he doesn't want presents and I don't want presents either, but for some reason...I want to give him one...is it like that? It was like that for Fae Mao. Hrm. I've gotten attached again. Is this good?
Dependent stability. I have a case of it. It disgusts me so....why can't I be independent. Le sigh. Le sigh indeed.
I want to be better. I want to be stronger. I just...I want someone there, and I want to be able to be there for that someone. Why...can't I just be better? Please...make me stronger and better. Being a child...it's not enough...Youth? Seeing grey areas? I want to be smarter....I want to be able to see all the options before I decide on something...
But besides all these swirling wishes...today was a good day...Ge Ge is happy.
Saturday, December 4, 2010
Me = Asa Ramen Equals Wuv and Unstable Trains
Best ramen I've ever tasted. o-o'' The only thing I would have to complain about is how it's in such a small bowl. ._.'' But it's really good! =O Gardena...I shall remember that. Vanille cakes aren't all that great at the Diamond Plaza, even if they do look slightly appealing. I like their box though....it's cute. =) Heh...^^''
I have this very sinking...feeling now that in some ways..Ge Ge is removing himself bit by bit. I'm not sure why, but to be honest, I'm not sure if it's something that I would want to know. I'd be lying if I said that I'm not really effected....x-x. I'm not really in a position to really do anything though, which really seems different for me because it's usually actions speak louder than words for me. It was a little difficult to tone down actions at first, but now it just seems a little quiet because I don't know what else to do...I'm not good at conversationing and neither am I good at asking for things because I feel like I'm being a bother. =.= I..I don't know what to do. Am I thinking too much again? >.< Help...
I also feel like I'm getting more and more unstable. Whew...just half a year and I'm good..I need to start looking for a place to go...I can do this. =.= I really hope I can.
I did enjoy today though. I really did. Sigh. Well...off to sleep. Hopefully..no nightmares today...I need to listen to music again if I want to do that, but I'm so tired. =.= Sometimes..I feel like my train of thought are just like a train where the tracks just go round and round in a circle going nowhere. =.= It's so frustrating....someone..please help. So unstable....x-x
I have this very sinking...feeling now that in some ways..Ge Ge is removing himself bit by bit. I'm not sure why, but to be honest, I'm not sure if it's something that I would want to know. I'd be lying if I said that I'm not really effected....x-x. I'm not really in a position to really do anything though, which really seems different for me because it's usually actions speak louder than words for me. It was a little difficult to tone down actions at first, but now it just seems a little quiet because I don't know what else to do...I'm not good at conversationing and neither am I good at asking for things because I feel like I'm being a bother. =.= I..I don't know what to do. Am I thinking too much again? >.< Help...
I also feel like I'm getting more and more unstable. Whew...just half a year and I'm good..I need to start looking for a place to go...I can do this. =.= I really hope I can.
I did enjoy today though. I really did. Sigh. Well...off to sleep. Hopefully..no nightmares today...I need to listen to music again if I want to do that, but I'm so tired. =.= Sometimes..I feel like my train of thought are just like a train where the tracks just go round and round in a circle going nowhere. =.= It's so frustrating....someone..please help. So unstable....x-x
Thursday, December 2, 2010
101202 Rebellious
If there was a punishment for creativity
I hope they lock me up in a cell of padded, vibrant color
If there was a punishment for dreaming
I hope they try to brainwash me so that I can keep myself strong
If there was a punishment for laziness
I hope they exile me to a lone, glittering island with a hammock
If there was a punishment for being stubborn
I hope they call me a masked vigilante so that I can say whatever words I wish
If there was a punishment for thinking too much
I hope they erase my clouded memories so that I can fabricate some more
If there was a punishment for thinking life is beautiful
I hope they throw me in the darkness so I can find the light to try to be something to someone
If there was a punishment for being me
I hope they try to tear me down so that I can just prove them all wrong
I hope they lock me up in a cell of padded, vibrant color
If there was a punishment for dreaming
I hope they try to brainwash me so that I can keep myself strong
If there was a punishment for laziness
I hope they exile me to a lone, glittering island with a hammock
If there was a punishment for being stubborn
I hope they call me a masked vigilante so that I can say whatever words I wish
If there was a punishment for thinking too much
I hope they erase my clouded memories so that I can fabricate some more
If there was a punishment for thinking life is beautiful
I hope they throw me in the darkness so I can find the light to try to be something to someone
If there was a punishment for being me
I hope they try to tear me down so that I can just prove them all wrong
Me = OMGOSH! I NEED TO PLAN! X-X
AHHHHHHHH! GE GE'S BIRTHDAY IS IN 6 DAYS...I DON'T EVEN HAVE A WEEK...OMGOSH! I NEED TO FIGURE SOMETHING OUT....I'M SUCH A HORRIBLE MEI MEI. ;^; OKAY..CALM DOWN..SLEEP FIRST...AND THEN FIGURE IT OUT TOMORROW. X.X MAH GAH. X-X I CAN DO THIS..JUST BREATHE AND THINK CLEARLY....
P.S. Ge Ge enjoyed Creme Brulee ice cream. Win. Epic win. =) Haha. ^^''
NOW BACK TO FREAKING OUT...NOT AS MUCH...IT KIND OF TAMPERED DOWN JUST A BIT..BUT STILL FREAKING OUT...GAHHH X-X to...a....degree? x-x'' Fail...on so many levels....
Okay...brreeeeeeeeathe.
GETTING MY BUTT CHEEKS TO SLEEP. GE GE WOULD BE UNHAPPY IF HE KNEW I WAS STILL UP..OKAY! LEAVING! KAYBYE!
P.S. Ge Ge enjoyed Creme Brulee ice cream. Win. Epic win. =) Haha. ^^''
NOW BACK TO FREAKING OUT...NOT AS MUCH...IT KIND OF TAMPERED DOWN JUST A BIT..BUT STILL FREAKING OUT...GAHHH X-X to...a....degree? x-x'' Fail...on so many levels....
Okay...brreeeeeeeeathe.
GETTING MY BUTT CHEEKS TO SLEEP. GE GE WOULD BE UNHAPPY IF HE KNEW I WAS STILL UP..OKAY! LEAVING! KAYBYE!
Me = Asking About Indifference, an Improvement? OR a Regression?
I wonder...if indifference aka NOT CARING as much about things is a sign of improvement (aka growing up, maturity) or a sign of regression (aka lack of compassion, kindness). Could it be both? It's very possible I suppose, but then again.... =.= Who am I to say what is a part of growing up when I'm still in the process of discovering my own self. Cue the long, exasperated sigh, and just to be fancy...cue the long, exasperated le sigh.
Sidenote: Yes...still a dork. I'm pretty sure that's one thing that I won't grow out of.
Perhaps...it's not growing up, or becoming immature. Maybe it's just something that I'm becoming. It's not good or bad...maybe it's just different. Well....I guess it's just something that's different....it's not like I really have anybody to ask about it who'll give me the answers to everything. Sometimes...I wish that everything was rather simple, but of course...simplicity is out of reach for someone with a background so utterly complicated, let alone one who thinks too much. Speaking of which...I'm trying to teach myself to reduce that, but it's rather difficult. =.=
I hope that growing up doesn't mean being colder towards the world, maybe getting a thicker skin...but is that the same thing? It..kind of seems like it to a degree. Le sigh. Mutters. Trying to reduce thinking too much...not really off to a good start..am I? Nervous laugh. ^^'' Heh..heh....heeeeeh......@^@
Hrm. Well...ate Pho today and had Starbucks for the first in a super long time, but I had hot Black Tea..sooo no coffee for me. =) Haha...Thought I caved? Nopes! ^^
UPDATE: (same day..it's 1:52AM right now...yes...I shall get my butt cheeks to sleep once I'm done...I hope.) So I asked my Ge Ge and bah hah jeebies, I am certainly grateful that he's able to put things into words where I can understand because I happen to speak this language that seems to just chase its own tail. Yes...it's been known for me to just run around in circles chasing after my own thoughts...(Obviously, this is just an idiom, but that is quite an amusing image....XD) SO!!! ANYWAYS! (See?! EXHIBIT A!) Yes....indifference is considered a sign of maturity or a sign of regression based on situation. (Aren't most things? That question was actually quite vague now that I ponder upon it...) And the explanation I was given waaaaas:
Situation A: Indifference towards rumors --> sign of maturity
Situation B: Indifference towards your parents in general --> regression
I think..it was pretty straight to the point and cutting out all the (excuse my language, but it's the only way I can get to the point at 2AM...forgives meh) bullshit and just getting to the very core of the answer.
Sidenote: Yes, I'm cussing less now. It's just a rare occurrence.
Teenagers are pretty much known to just cut parents out of the picture. Known to do stupid things, experiment with the real world, think we're the alpha dog and treat everything else like it's irrelevant, besides relationship and friends. Stereotype of course, stereotype, so don't come biting my head off. (Hrm, I seem to be more passionate later at night...perhaps it's because I've shed off most of my terrified layers and just babble.) Hrm, but of course to defend teens. One is simply just exploring the world. And to understand something at its best, you learn by falling hard on your way-too-over-you-head-butt-cheeks (<-play on words?). Maybe you don't fall, but at least you learn from experience or hearing about it. =)
So, point is. Ge Ge has point, and I'm satisfied with the answer that I've been given, so yep. Indeed. Yes..yes..going to sleep now. Kaybye.
Sidenote: Yes...still a dork. I'm pretty sure that's one thing that I won't grow out of.
Perhaps...it's not growing up, or becoming immature. Maybe it's just something that I'm becoming. It's not good or bad...maybe it's just different. Well....I guess it's just something that's different....it's not like I really have anybody to ask about it who'll give me the answers to everything. Sometimes...I wish that everything was rather simple, but of course...simplicity is out of reach for someone with a background so utterly complicated, let alone one who thinks too much. Speaking of which...I'm trying to teach myself to reduce that, but it's rather difficult. =.=
I hope that growing up doesn't mean being colder towards the world, maybe getting a thicker skin...but is that the same thing? It..kind of seems like it to a degree. Le sigh. Mutters. Trying to reduce thinking too much...not really off to a good start..am I? Nervous laugh. ^^'' Heh..heh....heeeeeh......@^@
Hrm. Well...ate Pho today and had Starbucks for the first in a super long time, but I had hot Black Tea..sooo no coffee for me. =) Haha...Thought I caved? Nopes! ^^
UPDATE: (same day..it's 1:52AM right now...yes...I shall get my butt cheeks to sleep once I'm done...I hope.) So I asked my Ge Ge and bah hah jeebies, I am certainly grateful that he's able to put things into words where I can understand because I happen to speak this language that seems to just chase its own tail. Yes...it's been known for me to just run around in circles chasing after my own thoughts...(Obviously, this is just an idiom, but that is quite an amusing image....XD) SO!!! ANYWAYS! (See?! EXHIBIT A!) Yes....indifference is considered a sign of maturity or a sign of regression based on situation. (Aren't most things? That question was actually quite vague now that I ponder upon it...) And the explanation I was given waaaaas:
Situation A: Indifference towards rumors --> sign of maturity
Situation B: Indifference towards your parents in general --> regression
I think..it was pretty straight to the point and cutting out all the (excuse my language, but it's the only way I can get to the point at 2AM...forgives meh) bullshit and just getting to the very core of the answer.
Sidenote: Yes, I'm cussing less now. It's just a rare occurrence.
Teenagers are pretty much known to just cut parents out of the picture. Known to do stupid things, experiment with the real world, think we're the alpha dog and treat everything else like it's irrelevant, besides relationship and friends. Stereotype of course, stereotype, so don't come biting my head off. (Hrm, I seem to be more passionate later at night...perhaps it's because I've shed off most of my terrified layers and just babble.) Hrm, but of course to defend teens. One is simply just exploring the world. And to understand something at its best, you learn by falling hard on your way-too-over-you-head-butt-cheeks (<-play on words?). Maybe you don't fall, but at least you learn from experience or hearing about it. =)
So, point is. Ge Ge has point, and I'm satisfied with the answer that I've been given, so yep. Indeed. Yes..yes..going to sleep now. Kaybye.
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