Picture Diary #235

This picture made me smile. =)

Me = Finds That Rain is the Cherry On Top =)

It started to rain today. Winter is here! Smiley face.

Ge Ge's surprise thing went memorable. A few blunders here and there, but we patched it up and it wrapped together nicely in the end. He's very happy (he said so himself), so I'm happy that he is. Birthdays are interesting to me, perhaps it's because I despise my own, but I treasure others'. I guess it's something that I don't have? So I treasure it? I'm not sure. Shrugs.

How interesting...he doesn't want presents and I don't want presents either, but for some reason...I want to give him one...is it like that? It was like that for Fae Mao. Hrm. I've gotten attached again. Is this good?

Dependent stability. I have a case of it. It disgusts me so....why can't I be independent. Le sigh. Le sigh indeed.

I want to be better. I want to be stronger. I just...I want someone there, and I want to be able to be there for that someone. Why...can't I just be better? Please...make me stronger and better. Being a child...it's not enough...Youth? Seeing grey areas? I want to be smarter....I want to be able to see all the options before I decide on something...

But besides all these swirling wishes...today was a good day...Ge Ge is happy.

Me = Asa Ramen Equals Wuv and Unstable Trains

Best ramen I've ever tasted. o-o'' The only thing I would have to complain about is how it's in such a small bowl. ._.'' But it's really good! =O Gardena...I shall remember that. Vanille cakes aren't all that great at the Diamond Plaza, even if they do look slightly appealing. I like their box though....it's cute. =) Heh...^^''

I have this very sinking...feeling now that in some ways..Ge Ge is removing himself bit by bit. I'm not sure why, but to be honest, I'm not sure if it's something that I would want to know. I'd be lying if I said that I'm not really effected....x-x. I'm not really in a position to really do anything though, which really seems different for me because it's usually actions speak louder than words for me. It was a little difficult to tone down actions at first, but now it just seems a little quiet because I don't know what else to do...I'm not good at conversationing and neither am I good at asking for things because I feel like I'm being a bother. =.= I..I don't know what to do. Am I thinking too much again? >.< Help...

I also feel like I'm getting more and more unstable. Whew...just half a year and I'm good..I need to start looking for a place to go...I can do this. =.= I really hope I can.

I did enjoy today though. I really did. Sigh. Well...off to sleep. Hopefully..no nightmares today...I need to listen to music again if I want to do that, but I'm so tired. =.= Sometimes..I feel like my train of thought are just like a train where the tracks just go round and round in a circle going nowhere. =.= It's so frustrating....someone..please help. So unstable....x-x

101202 Rebellious

If there was a punishment for creativity
I hope they lock me up in a cell of padded, vibrant color

If there was a punishment for dreaming
I hope they try to brainwash me so that I can keep myself strong

If there was a punishment for laziness
I hope they exile me to a lone, glittering island with a hammock

If there was a punishment for being stubborn
I hope they call me a masked vigilante so that I can say whatever words I wish

If there was a punishment for thinking too much
I hope they erase my clouded memories so that I can fabricate some more

If there was a punishment for thinking life is beautiful
I hope they throw me in the darkness so I can find the light to try to be something to someone

If there was a punishment for being me
I hope they try to tear me down so that I can just prove them all wrong

Me = OMGOSH! I NEED TO PLAN! X-X

AHHHHHHHH! GE GE'S BIRTHDAY IS IN 6 DAYS...I DON'T EVEN HAVE A WEEK...OMGOSH! I NEED TO FIGURE SOMETHING OUT....I'M SUCH A HORRIBLE MEI MEI. ;^; OKAY..CALM DOWN..SLEEP FIRST...AND THEN FIGURE IT OUT TOMORROW. X.X MAH GAH. X-X I CAN DO THIS..JUST BREATHE AND THINK CLEARLY....

P.S. Ge Ge enjoyed Creme Brulee ice cream. Win. Epic win. =) Haha. ^^''

NOW BACK TO FREAKING OUT...NOT AS MUCH...IT KIND OF TAMPERED DOWN JUST A BIT..BUT STILL FREAKING OUT...GAHHH X-X to...a....degree? x-x'' Fail...on so many levels....

Okay...brreeeeeeeeathe.

GETTING MY BUTT CHEEKS TO SLEEP. GE GE WOULD BE UNHAPPY IF HE KNEW I WAS STILL UP..OKAY! LEAVING! KAYBYE!

Me = Asking About Indifference, an Improvement? OR a Regression?

I wonder...if indifference aka NOT CARING as much about things is a sign of improvement (aka growing up, maturity) or a sign of regression (aka lack of compassion, kindness). Could it be both? It's very possible I suppose, but then again.... =.= Who am I to say what is a part of growing up when I'm still in the process of discovering my own self. Cue the long, exasperated sigh, and just to be fancy...cue the long, exasperated le sigh.

Sidenote: Yes...still a dork. I'm pretty sure that's one thing that I won't grow out of.

Perhaps...it's not growing up, or becoming immature. Maybe it's just something that I'm becoming. It's not good or bad...maybe it's just different. Well....I guess it's just something that's different....it's not like I really have anybody to ask about it who'll give me the answers to everything. Sometimes...I wish that everything was rather simple, but of course...simplicity is out of reach for someone with a background so utterly complicated, let alone one who thinks too much. Speaking of which...I'm trying to teach myself to reduce that, but it's rather difficult. =.=

I hope that growing up doesn't mean being colder towards the world, maybe getting a thicker skin...but is that the same thing? It..kind of seems like it to a degree. Le sigh. Mutters. Trying to reduce thinking too much...not really off to a good start..am I? Nervous laugh. ^^'' Heh..heh....heeeeeh......@^@

Hrm. Well...ate Pho today and had Starbucks for the first in a super long time, but I had hot Black Tea..sooo no coffee for me. =) Haha...Thought I caved? Nopes! ^^

UPDATE: (same day..it's 1:52AM right now...yes...I shall get my butt cheeks to sleep once I'm done...I hope.) So I asked my Ge Ge and bah hah jeebies, I am certainly grateful that he's able to put things into words where I can understand because I happen to speak this language that seems to just chase its own tail. Yes...it's been known for me to just run around in circles chasing after my own thoughts...(Obviously, this is just an idiom, but that is quite an amusing image....XD) SO!!! ANYWAYS! (See?! EXHIBIT A!) Yes....indifference is considered a sign of maturity or a sign of regression based on situation. (Aren't most things? That question was actually quite vague now that I ponder upon it...) And the explanation I was given waaaaas:

Situation A: Indifference towards rumors --> sign of maturity

Situation B: Indifference towards your parents in general --> regression

I think..it was pretty straight to the point and cutting out all the (excuse my language, but it's the only way I can get to the point at 2AM...forgives meh) bullshit and just getting to the very core of the answer.

Sidenote: Yes, I'm cussing less now. It's just a rare occurrence.

Teenagers are pretty much known to just cut parents out of the picture. Known to do stupid things, experiment with the real world, think we're the alpha dog and treat everything else like it's irrelevant, besides relationship and friends. Stereotype of course, stereotype, so don't come biting my head off. (Hrm, I seem to be more passionate later at night...perhaps it's because I've shed off most of my terrified layers and just babble.) Hrm, but of course to defend teens. One is simply just exploring the world. And to understand something at its best, you learn by falling hard on your way-too-over-you-head-butt-cheeks (<-play on words?). Maybe you don't fall, but at least you learn from experience or hearing about it. =)

So, point is. Ge Ge has point, and I'm satisfied with the answer that I've been given, so yep. Indeed. Yes..yes..going to sleep now. Kaybye.

Picture Diary #234

+ 1 cup of glittery love = happy smiles ^^